“When? Why? Why Not??”

Written By

Rema Sivaram

Lifestyle - Being me - When, why, why not-33 Loading

Shortly after three years of my marriage, a male cousin of mine called me aside at a family wedding and told me “Don’t hold back that thought until it’s too late. It is totally fine these days to adopt”. I was accustomed to the usual questions of whether you are still planning, not planning and what is the problem? But I was taken aback by this statement, which was a summary of his conclusions that I was desperate to have a child, (there seemed no doubt in his mind that I wished  for one), have extensively tried all means in three years, failed miserably; and that the only option remaining was adoption.

Until then I had faced only questions and raised eyebrows from senior family members, but the surprising fact is that a majority of my age group too, still think the happy ending of a marriage is having a child. (Indeed it is an ending, in most cases.) Sometimes it goes to the extent of giving me an ultimatum as a coffee lover by saying, “You better start the treatment soon, I have heard cases where they had to stop coffee!”. Of course that is without asking whether I need any treatment or not. No prizes for guessing my answer  — Coffee always wins!

Some would simply end with “I will pray for you”. Then the really persistent ones would come up with bizarre advice ranging from adoption to which “position” is best to conceive. And most of these parents in a parallel conversation would say how they wish they were as free as me. They think it is a consolation, but in fact, it was my choice to be free. I chose to have a child-free life, as long as I wanted. Just how all of us have the choice to study what we want, wear what we want, marry who we want, we DO have the choice to have or not have a baby and if the former, of when to have one, too. And yeah, the ‘not having’ part does not come necessarily with an expiry date. So celebrating my eighth wedding anniversary was not really a good enough reason to have a child.

Kids add a lot of stress to life; I am yet to meet someone who doesn’t agree with that. So what, may I ask, is terribly surprising about a couple delaying or avoiding a stressful situation?




Rema Sivaram is a lifestyle blogger who writes about the day-to-day situations in our lives. She has embraced entrepreneurship, dance and volunteer work after leaving behind a corporate job. On the days she is not doing any of these, you will find her enjoying her cuppa at her Bengaluru home.

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