Write for Siya
If you can write, you should do so on SiyaWoman.
Send us a note on Contact@SiyaWoman.com.
I used to bad mouth marriage thinking it is marriage that writes the epitaph on all relationships. And, I thought I was super smart in side-stepping it and opting for a live-in. And, after four years of it, this is my epiphany.
Relationships rot and stink to high heaven the moment you live under the same roof. A marriage certificate or the absence of it makes no difference. You share a roof and all the good things you start amputating over time leaves a trail of stench, destruction and erosion. A bloodbath that makes The Punisher look like a class bully.
I remember a week before I ended it, we were at a resort and I was watching him in the mirror. And pretty much like Hendrik van Loon, I asked myself: who is he and where are we going?
Stranger and nowhere, said the mirror.
How does a relationship that starts with so much promise self-destruct like this? Is it that there is an expiry date embedded in it? And therefore outside of our control? Or is it simply and naturally the way of all things? Some kind of entropy, perhaps? Or is there something the couple in the relationship can do to keep it at bay?
I donâ€™t know. All I can do is share my disaster check-list with you. And let you be the judge. I have hash-tagged them for convenience.
Two disclaimers first. One, this is largely applicable for those relationships where the intended outcome is not raising a family. It is for those who are hedonistic enough to believe that relationships are for a lot of frolic leading to a lot of fun.
Two, since Iâ€™m a woman, my fingers are pointed at the man only.
The day he stops looking good and smelling good for you, you should simply walk out. It just means he has taken you so much for granted that he thinks that he doesnâ€™t have to strut his plumes any more. Do you know even a monogamous male bird, who is otherwise bird-brained, knows this simple home-truth that every mating season, he has to woo his long-standing mate with a spiffy plume, a cocky walk, a juicy insect or a swanky nest, else she, the female of the species, will ruthlessly vote him with her feet?
In evolution, there is no such thing as woo once and seduce for life. At least, down the pecking order. Only in the crown of creation, what a travesty!
The other red rag you should watch out for under #hygiene is when he stops saying sorry after he farts or belches. I get it that given how men fart and belch as often as they breathe in and breathe out, it must be hard to keep saying sorry because then, that really would be the only conversation they would be having with you. But hereâ€™s the thing: When they are playing footsie with you, they seem to fart and belch sparingly. I donâ€™t know whether the female, with her proximity, induces some chemicals in their gut because of which methane production goes into an overdrive. But boy, you start living under the same roof and this thunder sure dampens even the most ardent breast!
They lift their glutes from the ottoman they are perched on, they enrapture their look and they fill the room with the sound and smell show. Whoa!
The third red flag you should watch out for under this hashtag is when he stops shutting the bathroom door for a pee. Again, I get it that the male is running the affairs of the world and has no time to sit down and pee, but surely the affairs of the world can wait for that split second for him to shut the door? You donâ€™t think so?
The last red flag, and this by far is the clincher, is when he says, letâ€™s make dirty dirty love, because heâ€™s too lazy to have a shower. Thatâ€™s when you know you have been taken fully, painfully, irretrievably for granted and the pall-bearers are waiting to inter your relationship.
#Kids from previous marriage and other relatives:
This is a landmine. May be you have never met the brat. May be you have and decided to avoid like the bubonic plague. But the day he says, darling you and I need to be â€˜familyâ€™ to set my wayward grown-up on track, donâ€™t even wait to pack your stuff. Scoot in your bathroom chappals.
Same with other family members. You may be the embracing kind, but donâ€™t. Just keep telling yourself that you are in it for him and the supposed frolic he is supposed to bring into your life. So, donâ€™t you dare embrace his family. Because, if you do, before you say jackshit, they will start treating you like a bahu!
This is a painful one. There was a time when words bubbled like over enthusiastic champagne between the two of you. Now itâ€™s the rot that is frothing. Heâ€™s lost in his mobile. Youâ€™re bingeing on Netflix on your tab. And, even a discussion on weather seems forced and full of frisson. Man, that single shared roof â€“ how it sneaks up on you and screws up your happiness!
When you are dating, itâ€™s a delightful geometric progression. When you live together, it becomes arithmetic regression! There comes a time when sex becomes an event, much like the sighting of the super moon, in your life. And that is when you know that even a live-in has become frighteningly like a marriage. Download the app Runtastic and, what are you waiting for? RUN!
When you first met and he lit up a cigarette, why didnâ€™t you walk away? Itâ€™s a no brainer darling, men donâ€™t know that you may be poor in math but youâ€™re ridiculously on point when it comes to keeping track of their cigarettes and pegs! I can write tomes on his self denial. Berate him all you want for abusing his body, but when he says, I will give up the day I want to give up, you know you fought a losing battle. From the first minute you saw him lighting his cigarette, downing his fifth peg of vodka, know it woman that it is all loaded against you. You arenâ€™t the first idiot who thought you could save him!
And then one day, you say Iâ€™m gonna hide the bottle. And do. And he comes after you, triumphantly pulls it out of its hiding place and says, you forget I was married to an alcoholic, I know how to sweep the house for bottles! You look at him, bile rising, pick up your phone, open Cleartrip and book your way out. Nothing builds intolerance for addictions as much as living together.
When you first met him and saw his unruly hair and unironed kurta, may be you thought it was cute that the man had so little vanity. Live with him and you will soon realize that youâ€™d rather be with a guy who perpetually preens in the mirror than one who is mistaken for a hobo! Nothing cures you of your romantic notions faster than a shared dwelling place!
So there, thatâ€™s my A list of the dirge, that funereal song, for mourning the death of the relationship caused by live-in. Donâ€™t marry. Donâ€™t live-in. Donâ€™t die-in.
AVERAGE READER RATINGS>
RATE THIS ARTICLE
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Nandini Vaidyanathan is the founder of Carma Connect (www.CarmaConnect.in) which mentors entrepreneurs, teaches entrepreneurship in ivy league business schools across the world, writes on entrepreneurship (has written two best sellers), climbs and treks. She loves to live life on her terms, using her discretion and not someone elseâ€™s.
RECOMMENDED FOR YOU
You said take me where no oneâ€™s gone with you. All I could ask was, youâ€™ll come with me? Lame. And then, I put in a disclaimer. I donâ€™t like to go from where I canâ€™t come back, I said. Beyond lame. Close your eyes, woman. Rewind. Listen to what he said, again....
I am a member of a running group in my neighborhood. Â Itâ€™s a very organized body, offering structured program for those who already are passionate runners or want to become one.Â We meet thrice a week at a large playground at 5 am, commence with core exercises, then stretches and by 5.30 we start the...
Why do we give people second chances? When I started this piece, it was more about, why do women give second chances (second represents multiplicity here) to their partners in relationships. And then, I realized that it is not just women. Men do too. Maybe not as many, but do, nonetheless. And not just...
6 min read
Hubert and I are holidaying at a beach resort. It was Hubertâ€™s birthday yesterday, which was a Monday. So we arrived at the resort on Saturday and we plan to check out today. I woke up this morning with the feeling that my whole world will come crashing down on me. Not just that. That...
I know there is a lot of noise (yes, NOISE. Not buzz, and certainly not chatter) around this whole business of work-life balance. And everyone including his mother and aunt advise that the key element in this whole work-life balance business is going off the network. I was at a panel discussion a couple of...
I should have been named Mary. Guess why? No? If I gave you a nursery rhyme as a clue, youâ€™ll obviously guess, right? Â Because, Iâ€™m a bag of contradictions. Iâ€™m old – world in some ways and bohemian in others. For this piece, we shall not go to the bohemian side of me; letâ€™s confine...
Inequality of gender. Lots of buzz. Inequality of sexes. Nada. Curious to know what I mean? One burning billion dollar question. For which I havenâ€™t found an answer. Why do women stop enjoying sex the day they stop feeling good about their bodies? In what way are the two connected? Havenâ€™t we all said, at...
9 min read
The context: It was probably in my fourth standard Geography class that I first heard of Tenzing and Hillary. I remember I felt awe that they could climb the worldâ€™s tallest mountain called Everest. The mountain in itself did not cause any major ripples in my imagination as a nine-year-old. But the two men grabbed...
Loneliness is a very un-lonely word. Forever and ever, its companions have been Betrayal, Fear, Pompousness, Malice, Low self-worth, Insecurity and Thwarted ambition. Pretty much like King Arthur and his merry knights. And they all sit at the table, only this one is not round. So it is presided by Lord Loneliness himself, accompanied by...
I have been following up the media hype on the Egyptian woman called Eman Ahmed. The headlights of her story, till date, that I have gathered from media reports are as follows: At 500kg, she was billed as the fattest woman on earth. She was born in 1980, so that makes her about 37 years...
I am borrowing the title from a song in my favorite movie, My Fair Lady, and given it a twist in the tale. In the movie, Rex Harrison sings it in a mood of self-righteous indignation (why canâ€™t a woman be like a man). So am I, make no mistake! Why are we women hell...
Dear youngsters, At the outset, let me say that I have no problem in admitting that it is the worldâ€™s worst job to be a parent today. Because, we are living under the shadow of several gigantic question marks. Who are we (there seems to be a lot of difference between who we are in...
If you can write, you should do so on SiyaWoman.
Send us a note on Contact@SiyaWoman.com.
How would you rate this article
We are sorry to have disappointed you. Could you tell us what went wrong?
Thank You !